Feeling My Aura
When my girlfriend asked me if she could take pictures of me and paint me for a piece in her "Child Like Series," I said, "Sure!" But when she came to my house one day before carpool time to snap some pics of me, I realized I am really not that comfortable in front of a camera.
Need me to do a sorority lean and "Texas Cheerleader Smile" - I've got that down. But if you want to evoke emotion out of me I freeze and freak on the inside. How do you act in front of the camera? Or even harder, how do you "be yourself" in front of the camera?
My eldest daughter, Lola, has always loved being on stage. At five years old she was asked to perform at the Carpenter Theater for a big SPARC anniversary and fundraiser event. My husband and I had no idea how big this performance was or that she was the youngest actor by several years. She was in a number from "Annie" and we could hardly believe that was our little girl glowing on the stage - such a professional at 5. I tend to say she's an old soul. Like a 38 year old in a 13 year old body. She constantly amazes me.
As I've watched her hone her acting skills over the years, I've realized that it's not because she is good at "acting" - it's because she's so good at "feeling."
This tiny realization brings me so much pride and joy, I can't even tell you.
At 33 years old, after my mother passed away of Early Onset Alzheimer's, I went into MEGA psychotherapy. We are talking close to temporarily institutionalized - mega therapy. Thankfully I had a husband who knew the "real and healthy" me was in there somewhere, and he decided to stick by me and be my biggest encourager and champion. My shrink was a specialist in PTSD. I had no idea anyone besides Veterans could suffer from PTSD. Well, they can. And they do. I do.
After countless hours of psychotherapy and learning about myself and what kind of experiences, good and bad, shaped me in my youth, I began to reshape myself as an adult. I was able to feel things, good and bad, for the first time. I became an emotionally available and true wife, mother, daughter and friend - no longer neurotic. Now I may look more crazy, as I'm often prone to break into tears at anything that makes me feel loved, whole, raw or real... but that's the real me. Feeling.
Watching my children grow up in a stable, loving, and safe home makes me cry even as I write this. I can't wait to watch Lola use her full range of God-given emotions to become another character on stage. "Appropriate" is about hard real-life stuff: death, lies, racism, neurotic behavior, you name it. I'll be ready to appreciate the talents of all these amazing RVA actors using their full-range of emotions. Sharing experiences of other lives, like I share with you, Reader, about mine.
Lola (center blonde girl) in the cast of "Appropriate" with Cadence Theater at VA Rep May 2018.
I guess what it comes down to is finding a way to channel our emotions. We all need a way. I suppose writing has always been here for me, but allowing myself to be honest and real - that's been harder. Learning to feel first. And then learning to be real. Feeling my aura expand and engage with the real world around me, not just the delusional prisms I'd built up to hide and protect the traumatized little girl I used to be.
Thanks Britt for seeing my emotionally feeling aura and painting me as this "Madona-like mother figure," as you say.
Lotsa Love,
Leah
