Write Like No One Is Looking
Writing can be a weird calling.
Messages trying to work through you from God.
Sometimes I need to write like no one is looking. Whenever I do, my hard moments of life pour through reimagined.
What’s ready to come through you?
She woke up confused and lay there waiting to recognize something, but the room was foreign.
Blinking a few times, she sat up swinging her legs to the floor.
They slid right into shoes that fit.
Her shoes.
She was in her room.
A robe lay over the nearby chair. It looked cozy.
As she put on the robe it felt familiar. She appreciated that and was able to let some of the fear go. She saw a door and walked through it.
Walking down the dark hall, she was glad there was a light on so she could see easily.
She paused and looked at a beautiful picture of a family on the wall. They seemed so happy together, out in nature.
Her stomach made a noise. She was hungry. She kept walking.
She found the kitchen. There was a note.
"Morning Cherryl. I hope you slept well. I've left coffee in this mug for you."
She paused looking to the side of the note and noticed a travel mug with warm, black coffee. The first sip helped perk her up.
"I hope you slept well. I've left coffee in this mug for you. I left early for a meeting in western Virginia, but Leah and Lola will be here in a bit to spend the day with you. I love you and will be home late tonight. Terry"
She paused and read the note again hoping she could put faces to all the names.
She felt the love in the letter, as she also felt cold and confused.
What is happening to me? I think this is my house and life, but who am l? Why am I like this? What is happening to my mind? As she sunk to the floor and began to weep, she felt her stomach.
She was hungry. She should eat.
She saw a banana on the counter. But after a few seconds of staring at it, she realized she couldn't remember how to eat it.
She knew she had to do something, but what?
In frustration her eyes darted to an apple that she grabbed and took a bite of. It was crisp and juicy.
She wished she had a tart cup of warm black coffee to sip.
She walked toward the window and saw a car driving up the driveway. Who was it?
She watched as it parked and a young mom with a little girl got out of the car.
She heard the door open and turned to see them coming inside.
“Mom, Good morning. How did you sleep? Can you hold Lola for me? I need to pee real quick. Then we can get you dressed and go for a walk. Here take her."
There were so many words coming at her.
The young lady talked so fast. How could she hold an apple and a baby?
She dropped the apple. The baby laughed. She laughed.
The girl thrust the young child into her arms and she felt whole. This baby loved her, and she loved the baby.
The mom darted off somewhere. She didn't care. This baby smelled so good.
"What's your name? You sure are pretty. Yes you are. And smart and...”
The baby reached for her nose.
"and silly.''
The baby's mom got back and swooped her up.
"How did you sleep, Mom? Dad said he left you with coffee. Oh, you dropped your apple. I'll rinse it off for you.”
She just couldn't keep up with the speed of the words. It was so frustrating. She did want coffee and wished she had some.
"Come on mom, let’s get you dressed so we can pop Lola in the stroller and go walk with her.''
The time between that moment and leaving the house for the walk seemed like an eternity.
Getting dressed was horrible.
Placing her arms and legs in the right holes of the fabric. It's like an evil torture game. The young woman, who must be her daughter, was helpful but moving and talking so fast. Why wouldn't she slow down?
As she placed her undergarments on, she was glad the girl was there to help.
The bra was confusing, and she didn't know where anything was. The girl talked her through what they were doing step by step. Pointing out the labels on the drawers for "underwear," "socks," etc.
But no matter what she told her mind and body to pay attention to, her mind and body were stuck in slow motion and someone had sped the girl up.
It felt good to fasten her jeans by herself. There was velcro where a button might have been. But the zipper. It - just - wouldn’t - go - up.
The girl placed laceless shoes for her to put on. She got a tinge of confidences back after not being able to zip the jeans, as she slid her feet from the slippers to the laceless shoes.
"Let me give your hair a brush, Mom. I have an appointment for you to get your nails and hair done today. I know you always feel so good after."
"Thank you," was all Cherryl could muster as she looked in sadness at her hands. The wedding ring was familiar, but the sun spots felt foreign.
At that moment, she thought of her mother, Lola. And realized the baby was her granddaughter, named after her mother. She began to weep.
Leah rushed over and just held her, in a comforting embrace with no idea what triggered her tears.
"It’s okay, Mom. You're safe. We love you. Let's get your hair and teeth brushed, a dash of lipstick and get into the fresh air. It always makes you feel better."
The thought of outside did make Cherryl smile. She still felt the weight of the sadness, but wasn't sure exactly why.
She followed the girl to the bathroom and picked up the toothbrush and placed the toothbrush in her mouth.
“Wait, Mom. Let's put some toothpaste on it and wet it."
Of course she thought. How stupid of me. I should have know that.
Her mind began to spiral in self shame and harsh words.
"You're stupid. You can't do anything by yourself. You're alone. This girl will leave you. Everyone leaves you. You can't do anything any more." And then she began to cry again.
The girl just gave her another hug, then encouraged her to brush her teeth as she combed her hair.
Exhausting. How could a morning be so tiring. She wished she had coffee.
As they walked toward the front door, the girl began to place the baby in the stroller. So many straps. How does she know what goes where?
"Mom, do you want to take your travel mug of coffee with us? I can put it in the stroller cup holder, so you don’t have to carry it the whole time," Leah asked.
"No thanks. I'm fine," Cheryl replied as they walked out of the house. Outside the fresh air felt like hope. Endless sky and the tall trees around them. Looking up she started whispering to the clouds, "I see you. Do you see me?"
Leah said something and looked over her shoulder to her mom for the reply. "Mom?"
A few feet off the driveway she saw her mother walking and looking up.
No clue Leah was nearby with her firstborn grandchild.
The ache of missing her Mom hit and tears welled. She's here, but SHE is not.
Some times Leah caught glimpsed of her mom’s “old self” with a laugh or witty retort. But mostly she was getting to know this new, slow, confused version of her mother and ached for the lost one she grew up with.
Her mom used to be filled with fire. Feisty and loving all at once. The most ironic rule breaker.
She wore long nails painted orange. And full 80’s/90’s “outfits” From Harold's or something special from Tootsie's in Houston.
Leah just stood there with her childhood flashing by and all the untreasured moments she took for granted.
How do you live like each day is the only and best one?
How do you mourn the lost and still find appreciation for the now?
Her instinct was to yell at her mom to keep coming and get her back on track with the walk.
But instead she paused and decided she and Lola should go explore her moment.
As they walked over, she could hear Cherryl say,
"I see you clouds. Do you see me?"
Leah gently whispered,
"Yes, I see you Cherryl. You are enough."
And as a gentle smile began to spread over her Mom's whole body, Leah softly placed her hand inside Cherryl’s hand and redirected her to get back on the driveway and continue their walk together.
Do you have a loved one suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease or dementia?
My heart goes out to you.
The frustration is HUGE.
The heartbreaking reality is earth shattering.
While my Mom was alive, I did what I could - but this Leah Love Notes is a little “I miss you and wish I could have been more like this for you while you were here with us.”
Today is January 7th, 2021. This past Saturday, January 2, marked the 10 year death anniversary of my mom.
Grief never leaves. It is the flip side of a coin and on which you the other side you find love.
It may sound weird, but my relationship with my mother has grown in ways I could have never imagined. Yes, she’s dead. But she’s still teaching me things every day.
Lotsa Love,
Leah
